Marriage: Be Love! Hold On, All things are Made New
I love spring! In North Texas, there are fields, pastures, and meadows flowing with wild flowers. The roadways are lined with patches of vibrant colored blooms🌸 🌺 🌹 The fresh breeze carries the fragrance of renewal, rejuvenation. It’s a reminder to me of how all things are made new through Christ our savior. New, renewed, and beautiful. 💜
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.
Marriage is much like the cycle of seasons. There are cold, stagnant seasons, seasons of sowing, seasons of growth, and seasons of harvest. I met Joe in 1987, when I was 15 years old. When I was 16, he promised to LOVE ME FOREVER. My husband and I have been married since 1993. There have been struggles, trials, and tribulations. There have been tears, disappointment, heartbreak, and broken promises. But God! There has also been healing, renewal, joy, laughter, growth, bountiful fruits, beauty, forgiveness, and love, so much love. There has been Christ right there in the middle of it all, even when we weren’t looking for Him.
Mark 10: 8 – 9 (NIV) 8 and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
We are going to share with you our most vulnerable moment in our marriage in hopes that it brings encouragement and healing to others.
During the first several years of our marriage, Joe was active duty in the military. When our first born son, Joey, turned 12 months old, we were living in Baumholder, Germany. That season was one of our best seasons in our early marriage. We grew together spiritually, and really began to get rooted in our walk and in Church. We were connecting on new levels. Every weekend was a new adventure exploring Germany. We were a family.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, Love does not boast, Love is not proud. 5 Love does not dishonor others, Love is not self-seeking, Love is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres….. Love never fails.
Just 9 months later, Joe was deployed to Bosnia. I remember the day Joe left vividly. Standing there crying uncontrollably at the airport, holding our sweet boy in my arms. Joe was looking at me with uncertainty for what laid ahead of him, and us, as he prepared to board the cargo plane. There was not enough time. There would never be enough time for that kind of goodbye. I stood there as he walked away. Just me and Joey. Alone and on our own. Germany had become our home, but in that moment, I felt further from home than I had ever been. They say home is where your heart is, and my heart had just boarded a flight to Bosnia. Everything changed in that moment. My heart was shattered.
Shortly after, I moved back to Florida where our son and I lived with my parents for the next year and half. I enrolled in college and was accepted into the nursing program. Joe’s deployment was before the existence of internet as we know it, before face-time, before social media. We couldn’t even email each another. Our only communication was through postal mail, and a 20 minute phone call every Saturday if Joe’s schedule permitted him to get to the pay phone off base.
During that year and a half, Joe was able to come home twice. Once for 10 days, and once for 21 days. The time together went so fast. We filled it with as much family fun as possible for our growing son to connect and reconnect with his daddy. This seemed like the hardest season of my life. Living oceans apart from my husband, raising our son without him. My soul yearned every day for us to be reunited
Proverbs 3: 3-4 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
Finally, after 18 months, Joe was coming home. He had completed his 6 year enlistment. It was time to either re-enlist, or be discharged. Joe decided not to re-enlist for active duty. However, he did serve another 2 years in the reserves before being honorably discharged. I was counting down the days before Joe would be home with Joey and I. We would be a family again. All would be right in the world. This very hard season in our life, in our marriage was coming to an end. The anticipation and hope brought with it a renewed joy.
Psalm 143:8 “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”
The day finally came. My beloved was coming home. I stood at the gate with our boy in my arms waiting for him to walk off that plane. I was so nervous. We hadn’t seen each other in 8 months. Tears rushed down my face as he came quickly towards us. Joey was super excited. The world seemed to stand still as we embraced, the 3 of us. But this man who had come home to us was not the boy who had left. There was an awkwardness between us. A shyness, as if meeting a stranger. Something was different. He was different. And if I am completely honest, I suppose I was too. My heart ached for the boy I remembered.
Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
And so we began to rebuild a new life together. Joe registered in college. I had graduated nursing school and was working full time. Joey was 3 now. He had only spent 10 months total of his little 3 years of life with his daddy living with us. And not consecutively. One of the many sacrifices military families make for their country. I wish I could tell you that Joe and I had picked up where we had left off, and that we were passionately in love. But that would be untrue.
Romans 12: 9 – 10 “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
The truth of the matter is that we never really connected once Joe came home. He was right there, within my reach. But still so far away. You see, he had been living independently, on his own that 18 months he was away. Although he loved us, and thought of us, we were not part of his daily routine. He sent his money home to us. He provided well for Joey and I. But he did not grow with us. To make matters worse, Joe left behind a timid, shy, dependent, and doting girl who was a stay at home wife and mommy. He came to a woman he barely recognized who had been raising their son without him present, while going to college full time. She had to make a lot of decisions on her own, and had become more independent, working and playing the role of single mom.
1 Peter 4 : 8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Joe and I were both so frustrated. And disappointed. Not just with each other, but with ourselves too. It wasn’t long before that frustration turned to anger. And with anger came raised voices, accusations, complaints, and words that cut. The anger became the norm. Attitudes sparked more resentment. It became a toxic and destructive cycle. We were hurting each other, and in doing so, hurting our most precious blessing, our little boy who was caught in the middle of the mess.
I honestly could not tell you what we fought about at any point during this season in our life. Neither of us were absolutely right or absolutely wrong in our disagreements. But we were not on the same page. We were not walking in agreement. We weren’t even walking in the same direction. I wanted the husband back that boarded that plane in Germany. I was so angry that things were not the same. I’m sure he was too.
Proverbs 10:12 “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.”
Joe hadn’t been home but a few months. We had had yet another fight. During this exchange of hostility, Joe broke down in tears and said he wanted out. He didn’t want a divorce but he wanted to move out, to separate. I couldn’t breathe, I was drowning, and the waves were crashing in, knocking me down. My heard broke. Shattered as I begged Joe not to go, not to do this. He said to me, through tears, and with the first bit of tenderness we had exchanged in a long time, “I love you, but I don’t know how to love you anymore. I can’t do this.”
The next thing I remember, I was alone in the bathroom, on the floor face down, sobbing, crying out to God to save my marriage. This was the first time I truly recall God ever speaking to me. He told me I had to stop trying to change my husband, and that I needed to change how I was responding to Joe. This was just a few weeks before Christmas. I asked Joe to stay through the holidays, for Joey. He did.
He slept in a separate room. Neither of us told anyone what was going on, or of Joe’s plans to leave. He did still plan to leave. Christmas came and went. We went to church every week together. Served together at church. Joe was still sleeping in a separate room. He still planned to leave. But we were NOT fighting. We hadn’t fought since he told me he was going to move out. Not once. Weeks turned into months. still living together but separate. We weren’t fighting. But Joe hadn’t decided to stay either. I continued to just love him silently. In my actions, and in my silence. I continued to respond to him in love regardless. I was living and breathing 1 Corinthians 13. But let me tell you, it was not on my own might, but God within me that gave me peace, unconditional love, and the grace Joe needed from me.
I had asked Joe to go with me to a faith based marriage conference that March. Much to my surprise, he agreed. I was so hopeful! We were going away together for a full weekend of marriage restoration. My excitement quickly faded. It could not have been worse. The whole premise of the conference was to be brutally honest. Tell each other every little nitty gritty thing about each other that you didn’t like, that gets on your nerves, and you’d like to change. Every intimate detail. I did not like this game at all. The entire conference had a very negative focus. We did not leave there with a restored marriage. It was a very quiet ride home. Back to our separate lives under one roof.
About 6 weeks later I got very sick. I finally went to the doctor. I was sure I had some terrible flu. You can imagine my disbelief when the doctor told me I was pregnant. So one beautiful blessing came from that marriage conference. I had to tell Joe. This was not in his plans I knew. And he was still leaving. Again weeks turned into months.
I continued to not just love my husband but to be love to my husband. One day we were out running errands and he reached over and held my hand. I wanted to cry tears of joy from that little gesture. His small, gentle touch was so warming. I felt his love. I remained quiet, and still. And gave God silent praise. Not long after that we were at the mall with Joey. He reached over and held my hand as we walked. I continued to be love. No pressure. No begging. No talk of what the gesture meant. I was just silently thankful for the moment. Over the next couple months Joe became increasingly kind, and affectionate toward me. Loving. I still didn’t push. I didn’t ask for verbal confirmation of what this change meant. I continued to be love. One morning, on the way to church, Joe broke down in tears at a red light. He looked at me with pleading eyes, and asked for forgiveness. There was nothing to forgive. The forgiveness was given. He held me. He told me, ” I love you more at this very moment than I have ever loved you Millie” I was 8 months pregnant by then with Joshua. It had been almost a year, since I gave my obedience and my husband to God, on that bathroom floor. Joshua Christian was born the week of Christmas, not long after that very raw, very beautiful moment at the red light. His brother Joey insisted on naming him Joshua, which is Hebrew for “he who saves, savior”.
Marriage is not perfect. But it has been a great journey. There have been storms, but God. There has been joy, thank God. We have walked this path together, in agreement (mostly) going the same direction. Sometimes he has to lift me up along the way. Sometimes I have to give him a little push. Sometimes we have to rest. When we do, we rest in HIM. But we are in it together. There has been love. So much love. But there has also been so much forgiveness and grace. There must be an abundance of grace, unconditional love, and limitless forgiveness. That is LOVE. That is GOD. We have built a beautiful life together. We have shared a lifetime of memories, of love and family together. We have enjoyed the joy of children, and grandchildren together, because we chose LOVE. We had to humble ourselves and allow God to work in us and through us. Restoration didn’t happen overnight. It was a process. A journey in itself. WE have to do this daily. GOD is our redeemer. What better love story than one of restoration, hope, redemption, grace, and love. I am looking forward to the rest of the forever, that a sweet, shy, 16 year old boy promised me so long ago.
GOD is LOVE. Be LOVE.
Ephesians 5 : 22 – 33 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
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